booby rant

When I was pregnant I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I was unsure whether I would be successful, worried. I didn't know at first it would be almost 24/7. That came as a surprise. But I was successful, I've owned it actually. I also knew that I didn't want to be shy about it. That there wasn't anything to be shy about. Of course I did feel timid. I had to reassess my own identification with my breasts. I could feel people look at me, and I would worry, and wonder, and even though I didn't want to be, I was apologetic for what I knew I didn't have to be. I don't feel that way anymore at all. I kicked that feeling in the butt; by nursing my baby, wherever, whenever she needed. Everyone has seen my boobs. I'm pretty happy that they're doing their job. This last year has been wonderful and fulfilling.
Lately I've been getting comments along the lines of "so just how long are you going to breastfeed?" from several people. Some I know closely, and some that I don't, and should mind their business. I get it. I have reached my socially acceptable/doctor recommended limit of breastfeeding; 1 year. So when am I going to stop? When Olive or I are done. When we've had enough. When or if it doesn't work anymore. When I want to. When she wants to. Pretty much fuck you, and don't ever ask me that again.

Milksharing

Olive and I spent the morning at the cafe down the street, where she enthusiastically played in a fort made from pillows, and I sipped tea and read the paper, where I came across this:
Montreal Gazette: Sharing breast milk dangerous, doctors say
Stories like this one, don't just make me mad, they break my heart.
The article is about a Montreal woman, Emma Kwasnica, who has started a breast-milk sharing program through Facebook. Where is there room for an informed unbiased opinion to be made with a headline such as that?
Why is it so silly, foolish, naive, to believe that we have the power and intelligence to make our own decisions concerning the source of our babies nourishment? "Doctors say" many things, doctors are taught many things including the idea that infants are born without bladder control, and that babies should never sleep with their parents. The former being completely untrue, and the latter potentially dangerous, as bed-sharing is actually SAFER, than sleeping in a crib.
What upsets me, is the prevalent idea that we are not smart enough, or wise enough to make our own decisions. We mustn't trust strangers, neighbours, fellow mothers. This would be foolish. There are trained professionals with knowledge who can make our choices for us.
I really value community. Especially in motherhood. If there's ever a time in your life when you need the help/support/sharing of other like minded people its when you first come home helpless with a little bundle of mush. The months that follow are finding your feet, and finding out who your true friends are, and making new ones. I've been to mum yoga, and La Leche League meetings. I talk to other mums in the cafe, or in the street. I read blogs. And everything I have learned about parenting comes out of community, the strength and self-awareness garnered from community. Olive and I would have survived without doctors, but not without Mothers. And that's why organisations like Eats On Feets need to exist. Breastfeeding can be a private personal thing between mother and baby, but also it can be about community; feeding our children. If I was asked, or needed I would breastfeed Amy's baby, or Janine's, or my sister Morgan's kids in a heartbeat, as I would a stranger's babe.

Here's Authentic Parents 'Official Press Release' for Eats On Feets with a more favourable bias.

Nursing a 10 Month Old and A TEN MONTH OLD!

Breastfeeding a newborn is one marvelous thing. They are completely dependent on that nourishment, both physically and through that unique comfort it provides them. Nurslings say "oh oh oh I am not sure about this place. I am hungry, and cold, and floppy, and HUNGRY. Oh what? A breast, my mamas heartbeat. Alright, this place is nice". It's a full time job.
Nursing Olive is now a choice. Not mine, hers. There are thought processes going on from sitting in a pile of toys on the carpet to crawling at my legs saying "mum mum mum mum".  I am so happy to have made it to this place, that so many women may miss out on; I am nursing a toddler, and believe me its so so so DIFFERENT. I love it.
I have always been into nursing. Its pretty easy after the initial hump. No gear except a good bra. And its the best for Olive. So I am into it. But for us, I don't think it was *THE SPECIAL BOND CONNECTING US* like I hear from some breastfeeding mums. Olive always just ate because that's where it came from. Now she really eats anything, and with food, sometimes it goes in, and then the tongue comes out, with a yucky face, and whatever goes back on the floor. So I am describing her choices, which are now shaping our nursing relationship so much more. Some days she eats more food, some days she nurses every five minutes for comfort, and sometimes she nurses herself to sleep, sometimes not. Its all her choice. Which amazes me, because now it really feels like a bond. I am always there to offer her milk and she chooses mamas breast, mamas heartbeat.
I love THAT.

In other ten month olds news. We have two teeth. Two adorable teeth. Seriously. Plus whenever I'm asked how Olive is doing. I say "she is a trouble maker". A trouble making trouble maker. An adventurer. I'm not bothered by this at all. Its wonderful. She wants to explore every bookshelf, and every book on it.  She likes all her toys OUT of their box, so she can sit in them, and examine their tastes one by one. She is busy undoing. Compelled to do so. Undoing my pots, undoing our shoes, undoing her laces. Chewing on floor finds. With her two tiny teeth.

8 Months

Olive Olive Olive Olive Olive. Well she plays by herself now, and pulls herself up. Standing, and letting go to fall back on her but, or her back, or her head. Sometimes crying, or surprised, or sometimes just like nothing happened at all. She eats and eats and eats and eats. During the day she doesn't want breast milk, she wants food! With vigor and smiles. She wants those blueberries, or that applesauce, or my coffee, or that rice, and she wants it in her mouth now. Its the best, I gotta say. As she unfolds before me I am seeing this little being with such wonderful determination. Things catch her eyes, and she goes for them. At the same time, I see her in a stage of thoughtful reservation. Attached to me, watching people a little bit more before lending them her huge smile. She's thinking, processing, about to make her next move. Will it be walking? Soon, soon, soon. I think.

Yesterday, with the weather, we put her in her first pair of shoes. They have Simba on the front flaps, and are denim. Lion King style denim! Some hand-me-downs from her cousin Jade, who is going to be 12 this year.

I'm also able to happily say that Olive is falling asleep now at 8, still with me, in our bed, early enough that I can get up, and maybe let myself decompress. AND she is staying asleep. Its wonderful. A routine and bed time took a while for us all to get used to, but now it goes so smooth. Greg's on bath duty so he can be more involved as well. There are still a few little nudges I plan to make, like having Olive feed less in the night so that I can get a sounder sleep, but first I am going to enjoy this change as it is.

Reading the Menu.

This Too Shall Pass

I am going crazy. I am not sleeping. Olive is not sleeping. I believe she might also be going crazy. I am not sleeping. I am going crazy.
It goes like this: It seemed about a month ago there was a small trend toward Olive waking up at night as soon as she realised that my boobs were not in her mouth. I would lay down with her and help her back to sleep. Then some nights it seemed she was waking every hour. At the same time I have been trying to establish some kind of bedtime routines for her. Bath time, change clothes, diapers, some nursing, a walk. Calm things to get her to recognize night time, and wind herself down. Well it seems she is recognizing the night, and fighting against it as if her life was at stake. Over the month my nights have become a longer and longer assessment into how well I can tolerate screaming, yelling, flailing, shrieking. I know that I cannot breastfeed her ALL NIGHT LONG, I just can't, and at the same time I cannot leave her to scream herself to sleep. I've tried, its not for me, I'd rather be in labour. I am taking it night by night, and telling myself that this to shall pass. It will, it will, it will.
And when she is asleep, I cannot sleep. I lay awake all night. What was that again? This too shall pass. It will. :)

Scroll down to see our adventure to the st Lawrence rapids, where I felt a little less crazy.

Learning to Eat

Parenting is all about experience of course. Mostly because there are a million ways to go, and you can only know through experience which roads the right one for you. I am amazed at all the thing I know, and am sure of now, that 6 months ago baffled and overwhelmed me. One thing in particular was breastfeeding. I knew that I wanted to do it. I was determined. But I did not know how hard it would be at first, and how easy it has become now. Its a common hurdle for most mothers I think. Now, with the 6 month mark approaching, the time has come where the books are telling me START SOLIDS.
In May, just a couple of weeks ago, I had not come to this point yet, but I could see its arrival. I was anticipating it. Olive had a good chew on, she was interested in eating; watched us, she could sit up. Even at four months, she was saying "bring on the food". Clearly, right? I was very eager, and so was she. So I just jumped in. I bought a book on making my own baby food. Talked to our Doctor. Talked with Morgan a lot. Olive's first bites of real food have mostly come from Nathan's bowls. I've been learning the rules of baby feeding, and now that I've got them down I'm also learning that this is the WRONG path for me and Olive.
The recommendations go like this:
x Breastfeeding is very good for your baby. (So do it)
x At 6 months start solids ('cause we know you are tired of this already)
x Introduce blended foods one at a time at least a week apart. (This way we will not get sued if your baby chokes and/or is allergic to life)
x By 9 months you'll have the allergy watch mostly covered, so you can start feeding baby mixes of different foods together. (Almost there!)
x At a year baby is weaned (Ta da!)

Its a wonderful system, a plan to free you of your child in just one year!
But that's not the kind of mother I am, or want to be. I plan to breastfeed Olive for as long as I think she needs it. I have a system already, and it works fine. I eat healthy foods, make jam-packed nutritious milk, she eats, and we get loads of extra cuddle time to boot! You see, I believe that babies are meant to be with their moms. To learn everything from them. And the biological SYSTEM put in place to make sure that happens is breastfeeding. So that's what I am going to keep on doing, forgetting about these checkpoints. It will all come in time. I think its a bummer that its seems most of the info out there supports the system towards weaning at one year. As if its the only one.
 My way, which I've learned from this experience will go something like this:
x Olive and I breastfeed. She is interested in food, so we include her at all our meals. I prepare grains and veggies now with no salt or oil in the cooking process (healthier for us too), and that way I can keep some aside for tasting. If I'm eating fruit, I mash a little in my mouth, or squish it between my fingers and offer it to her. Now she pretty much tries some of my food every time I eat. At this point though its just trying, she gets enough eats from my booby. So she is learning about it, and that's good. I have also tried giving her WHOLE pieces of fruits or vegetables that she can munch and explore. I don't really think the ultra-blending is so necessary. I just keep my eye on her, and there's no choking involved. I think its only natural that if I am eating healthy like I should be, then I can share those foods with my baby. That's how children have learned to eat for thousands of years. Nothing special to it.