gender: being a girl who wanted to be a boy

"Your kids are so beautiful, is that a boy or a girl"
I would say that unless I've tied a magenta bow neatly around both their necks, this is almost always the first, if only question strangers ask me about my children. It really really bothers me. It opens a reservoir of thoughts and feelings about myself, and my girls, and how they will grow up. How they will feel about themselves.

I remember that when I was a kid I really really wanted to be a boy. Or a tomboy. I didn't necessarily want to do boy things (though sometimes I did), and I didn't want to have a penis (I couldn't have cared less about this aspect), I just wanted to be a boy. It confused me for along time, well into adulthood.
The confusing part is that I am not transsexual, or transgendered. I was born female and NOW I can comfortably say that I identify myself as a woman. I am feminine and masculine in this way and that, but when it comes down to it woman/girl/mother works for me. I am okay with calling myself a woman as long as, after I say that I am, I can do whatever the hell I want. So, now that I can stand up for myself.
As a teenager I remember not liking other girls at all. In fact I kind of hated them. I didn't relate necessarily to boys better I just held up the belief that girls are whiney, and boring, lots of them are dumb, they create drama and compete for attention. I thought these beliefs came from my own obsevations. I know now that they did not. What I've come to realize is that as a child, even a very young one, I immediately picked up on the social aura that being a boy is just better than being a girl. Boys are smart, and reasonable, the things that they like are serious things, useful things. And they have purpose! When girls have purpose they are simply copying that of their male counterparts. I could feel this idea all around me, even though I dont ever remember it being said. And so if those things were true why would I want to be a girl?! Why would I want to be friends with girls!? All my life I didn't want to be a girl because I didn't want to be the lesser sex, it wasn't fair, I hadn't chose to be a girl, so why did I have to be subjected to a second class. It seemed that the only way to edge myself up there was to play along with the game; if I admitted that girl=bad, and perpetuated the idea, then the first class boys and men would allow me to be at the top of the girls. That's better than nothing right? Obviously not.

I am sooooo guilty of this.

Interestingly enough becoming a mother is what has healed me. Prenancy allowed for reflection and growth. I had to reach out to other women, and once I let their friendship and wisdom inside my circle, I was amazed at how truly wonderful the female sex is.
Men and women can be many many thing including smart, boring, unresonable, funny, we all compete for attetion, and sometimes create drama, some of us are hard workers, some are not. How we act is about our life experiences, not our born sex. It has taken me 25 years to shake off the bullshit that has surrounded me about my gender, and now I am free to just be a women, and a pretty feminine one at that. Which makes me happy.
That's one part of the story. I now know that I am a women. But I dont know that my kids will be.

"Is that a boy or a girl"
"Its a kid".

More on this later......again.


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