Its taken awhile to set in but we're having some serious envy in our world coming from Olive. I wanted to say sibling rivalry, but its not in any way directed at Emy, even though it has everything to do with her. Its directed at me. Olive these days; crawls on the floor like a baby, pees her diapers like a baby, refuses to talk or grunts like a baby, insists that she is "too heavy for walking" and so on. So I carry her (and Em), I nurse her, I sit on the floor and try to decipher her whispers. With Greg however Olive pees in the potty, goes to bed by herself, plays with her toys, asks for food when she's hungry, curls up and naps with him, and sometimes even dresses herself. Clearly this is very frustrating for me.
In the obvious way it is exhausting me to carry and nurse two children. I dread leaving the house because even pushing a stroller while having Emy in a carrier drains me quickly, and a lot of times Olive will want to be carried anyway. I find myself pushing Em in the stroller often because she's pretty content to be there and Olive isn't. I decided to submit to nursing Olive when she asks, for very short times, "sips" she calls them, in hope that it would help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling, and it has. It has been bittersweet, tiring like I've said, but its a blessing that I have this tool as a means of soothing her, and letting her know that she hasn't lost me. Or as she says often when I walk just a little faster than her "you're lost me!"
The other way that this pains me is just the loss of my little kid. I love her so much. I love her jokes, and her jumping, I love to make her food, and watch her go crazy at the park. And I am so amazed at all the things she thinks, and that she can seriously dress herself, climb the stairs, get things from the fridge, open doors. I am so proud of her being a kid, and I dont want her to feel like she needs to be a baby to have my attention.
I am trying to get through this one breathe, nap, day at a time; searching for ways to soothe her spirit; and looking forward to having my kid back.
Aw thank you for sharing this. I wish I had some solution. I suppose my appreciation is selfish, in the sense that it's always such a relief and little enlightenment when you share what life with two kids is like - it allows me to add another strand to my mental image of how that will all be with Ambrose, so it might not be so hard and shocking when it happens. Thank God for breastfeeding eh? Get lots of rest and eat well and nourish yourself!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helps. My sister always says that she wishes I had had children before her so she could learn from me, BUT I learned so much from her. The women that come before us are always inspirational to the infrastructure as we blaze on and build our own family worlds.
ReplyDeleteSooooooo thankful for breastfeeding!