An experience I have been dreading internally manifested itself today. Olive and I went out for a walk down Notre-Dame, stopping in all our usual places, one of which included a local cafe. I'm always sensitive to our surroundings in there. The 'grown up' people having grown up conversations, sophisticates drinking sophisticated coffee, and mostly the busy/stressed/single-minded students, tapping busily, stressfully, single-mindedly at their computers, by themselves, quietly. But I go here frequently, taking refuge from the quiet of my home, and I'm comfortable. So is Olive. The staff even smile when we come in the door.
Today however, I sat down, with my Gibraltar, Olive tapped on things, playing, talking, making noise, and the women sitting next to us loudly hummed and hawwed the.whole.time.
My body immediately soured with anxiety. I've been waiting for this moment, thinking what I would say to someone if they had a problem with Olive. A problem with how I parent Olive (pretty darn freely). A problem with children, and the way they behave naturally. I've been preparing for confrontation.
The woman was clearly a student, or a TA maybe, grading papers, she had a law reference book on hand. She look stressed. And I felt bad, I even tried to accommodate her a little, taking a grate Olive was repeatedly dropping on the floor from her. But I didn't feel bad for our noise or our presence, I felt bad that this person was overwhelmed, and I felt bad that I wanted to punch her in the face. I've been imagining that when this happened I would say to the person "You know she is a child, they make noise, and we're in a public place, if you wanted quiet you should go home. Where I am assuming you don't have children.", or maybe more simply "You know, this isn't a library." I've even thought of explaining to the person that while they probably leave there house to study, escape distraction, and the all too quiet-ness of it. I leave my house, because I otherwise wouldn't see another person besides my daughter, or my boyfriend in the day, I leave to escape the loneliness. In the end, I quietly finished up my coffee, let Olive walk around making her child-like noise, let the women hum and haww, and then left. But not before saying "I am sorry that we were bothering you". Because I was. Then I cried for a block as we continued on our way.
I am happy with how I dealt with the scenario once it actualized itself. I have a couple of thoughts though:
The first is the obvious; that I think its incredibly unfair to be in a world where children are not welcomed. Where they are misunderstood, and their parents feel continuously judged, whether they conform to current parenting ideals or not. I thinks its ridiculous to be surrounded by adults, who feel their needs are priority, and others are to oblige. Which I interpret as a very unadult-like behaviour.
I think that children are children, and should be allowed that for the very short time that they are indeed children. Even in public. And I saying this while knowing that Olive is a very pleasant child, always with a smile, constantly remarked as "Sooooo quiet!", and that I could feel a lot more Judgement as a parent if I had a kid who was even more kid-like.
I think in this situation. I am finally pleased with myself because I didn't let the woman's rudeness go unnoticed, Although my apology was a bit on the passive-aggressive side, it let her know that I was aware of how she felt, and that I felt we had a right to be there, making noise, while at the same time I was sincerely sorry that we were bothering her. I'm glad I didn't say all the things that I thought of because it would have incited confrontation, and I didn't want to fight with anyone, I just want to be allowed to exist in public with my child.
My last thought on this is that later I wondered why I did get so anxious. In the past confrontation wasn't difficult for me, perhaps because I was always feeling anxious, and anxiety and confrontation go hand in hand. Here it was like it swept my body, filled my pores, like the high you'll get after smoking a cigarette if you've quit for a while. That sickening high. I guess its a sort of proof that I've mellowed out a bit. True anxiety makes me sick. And I could allow myself to become reacquainted with it, smoke some of that familiar vice called confrontation, but I would rather not. I'd rather acknowledge my feelings, feel confident in my place and my choices, acknowledge her feelings as an overwhelmed, busy, stressed, student, and accept that as a valid place as well.
Is it awful that I can still relate more to the girl who wants a baby-less cafe experience than a person with a baby?
ReplyDeleteNo, but I admire your philosophy.
I came across some sort of list from an anciet newspaper in some of my nana's things that read common treatments of babies in the 50's. Some of them were: don't pick your baby up too much; don't respond too quickly to cries; don't PRAISE YOUR BABY IN FRONT OF IT. There were some more hilarious and disturbing ones but I forget them.
I think it's interesting how the generations following our parents are generally treated more like people, valued more and catered more towards. I still see that old children-should-be-heard-and-not-seen mentality in some of the older people in my life, like my mother-in-law, who was one of seven children and had several children herself. I think part of it is a survival mechanism on the parents' behalf and more understandable with large families.
But I think the result of a more integrated, valued youth will be a more empowered and powerful youth and it will be interesting to see how the world changes in the several decades because of it.
No, I don't think its awful. I understand her perspective as well. I think an adult way to react to your feelings though, is to recognize when you may not be ENTITLED to get what you want. Which is the case here.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do when you have the feeling that Seb is bothering other people? Do you give in to their idea of entitlement to a children-free environment and leave?
I really enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeletei didn't get a chance to reply to your question that maybe intentionally or unintentionally disappeared? (the last changes i made to my blog disappeared while their server was down the other day). but i think your question was what do i do when sebastian is bothering people in public, and at this point in his little nine-month life that hasn't really happened that i'm aware of. if he's crying or fussing i usually make a hasty retreat because i'm just more comfortable with that but it's more for his sake because if he's acting crazy it means he needs something the atmosphere can't give him (like a nap).
ReplyDeletebut i think it's something we'll have to think about more as he gets older and my opinion might change. on the one hand i think letting kids be kids and play freely is really important, but on the other hand self-awareness and consideration are big values of mine and i'd like to extend that to my kids as much as possible. so if that means teach them that there are "adult" or "quiet" places in the world where their behaviour is better off adjusted temporarily then so be it. but i definitely think those border-line "quiet" "adult" places should be challenged because kids are EVERYWHERE and i think we should value them more as an important part of society. they are the world's future. besides, how are we going to raise self-aware, empathetic, knowledgable children if they're quarentined to their designated area?
I was wondering where my comment went as well!
ReplyDeleteI think our opinions aren't really that different. I also think its important to teach kids empathy and awareness of behavior that is appropriate to their surroundings.
I have a specific problem with people not liking children in cafes because they are 'loud', because that 'loud' opinion is ONLY directed at children, and not, let's say for example, at the 3 chatty women gossiping in the corner. Again, its not a library, and if it were I would be in the boat with you teaching her that "we are in a quiet place".
As someone who is immediately irritated by any sort of startlingly loud sounds (sirens, alarms, clamoring of construction, incessant beeping, etc), I have been guilty of thoughts like "can the person with the crying baby just leave already?". I am very aware though, that it is not fair and that everyone has the right to be where they want to be. Also, just like other noise that goes on around us everyday---if one chooses to leave the confines of their home then they are putting themselves, willingly, at the mercy of the environment that surrounds them...and there will be noise!!!
ReplyDeleteI think its a pretty entitled and selfish frame of mind to be annoyed by someone's child and to actively try and make the parent feel shame for it. Just like you said---people cannot control whether they are bothered or not (and I am definitely someone who feels the piercing screams of a baby shake me to my core), but that isn't to say anyone should go out of their way to let you know that or make you feel responsible for their discomfort.
Even with my dog (which is probably a poor comparison), it bums me out when I see people act annoyed by his friendliness or if he barks, Or scowl at me when he sniffs their lawn as though he's going to urinate and defecate all over it.
Its unfortunate but most people are just selfish and rude and all you can do is attempt to rise above it and use it as a reminder to try and never make anyone else feel the way that person made you.